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Ever since I was a child – I have been obsessed – addicted even – to McDonald’s. McDonald’s – specifically. No other fast food tempted me in the least. Not Burger King or Taco Bell or any of the other burger chains. Sure – I would sometimes eat a Fatburger – which inevitably – made me agonizingly ill and an occasional burger from the Tommy’s on Beverly at Rampart – mainly because that Tommy’s was so old school & cool. But if there had been a McDonald’s next door – I probably would have gone there. I have always been to insanely addicted to Big Macs that as a kid – I could eat 2. And McDonald’s fries are the best on Earth.
Then I gave up meat, in the late eighties. Fuck. That meant Filet-O-Fish sandwiches for me – which I put up with for a while until I was struck my supreme inspiration. I bought a Big Mac AND a Filet-O-Fish. I took the patties out of the Big Mac & fed them to the dogs & put the fish patty in there, instead. I dipped fries in the tartar sauce on the Filet-O-Fish bun & shoved that fishy Big Mac into my pie hole like I hadn’t eaten for days. I began doing this regularly. So many times – I would go spinning & then go the the McD’s drive-thru – still actively sweating from class & get this combo & pull over to a random curb & make my custom sandwich – like a junky cooking dope. I even included this process in my novel – Bathing & the Single Girl. Here is the excerpt:
I decided to make a trip to McDonald’s to take the edge off my panic and maybe finally end my waning hangover. There is nothing like McD’s. It is the only fast food chain I patronize. I’ve been a fish-eating vegetarian for over twenty years but McDonald’s remains my own personal crack. I have to pretend I do not know that there is beef tallow in the French fries and block out the fact that McD’s are a great supporter of the factory farming that spurred my vegetarianism to begin with, but when I am hung over, McDonald’s is my best friend.
I ordered a #1 Big Mac value meal with fries, a diet Coke (gotta save calories somewhere) and a Filet-O-Fish. Once out of the drive thru, I pulled over on a side street like a drug addict jonesing for a fix. I took several big gulps of the best fucking diet Coke I had ever tasted while throwing furtive glances around to make sure I was not being watched. I opened the fish sandwich and scooped all that tartar sauce up on the top bun. This would serve as a bowl and dip for the fries. I grabbed the golden goodness of the square fish stick looking back at me and threw the bottom bun of the fish sandwich in the bag. I took the top off of the Big Mac and threw it in the bag. I removed the burgers and put them aside for my dogs. I placed the fish patty on the middle bun piece and flipped it over onto the bottom bun and its remaining ingredients. Special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions and a filet of fish on what was once a sesame seed bun. I rammed it into my mouth and nearly fainted with pleasure. Every cell in my body reacted negatively to the toxicity and I felt zits popping out on my face as I chewed. I didn’t give a fuck. I dipped a handful of fries in the fatty tartar sauce and forced them into my mouth before I swallowed my first bite of sandwich. I was disgusting. I felt the shame of a tweeker turning her first trick for drugs. My eyes flashed a scan of the horizon searching for the PETA police. My pants felt a size tighter. I finished that food in less than two minutes, literally drinking the last bit of fries from the cardboard container. It was glorious.
Slouched in the car, high from whatever it is in McDonald’s food that made Morgan Spurlock’s liver begin to shut down in Supersize Me, the plan to dine with The Albino seemed like it might actually be a fun adventure.
So – maybe now you understand the extent of my problem. That problem got even worse when I gave up eating fish, too, a couple of years ago. Now – there is no excuse to go into a McDonald’s – because the fries really do have beef tallow in them – so there is literally nothing in there for me to eat – especially as I am inching my way to veganism.
Still – my Big Mac addiction festers without relief. The smell of McDonald’s still makes my hands want to turn into those drive-thrus – but I can’t. I won’t. I shan’t! And – yeah – I guess I could make a faux Big Mac with a veggie burger (Beyond Meat makes GREAT ones) – but the shitty bun is part of the charm & the special sauce isn’t just Thousand Island – no matter what detractors try to tell you. It is more magical than that. My fake Big Mac would be off just enough to leave me feeling cheated.
And then it came to me! Big Mac PIZZA! That way – the differences would be more forgivable – because it wasn’t a lame Big Mac – it was a glorious Big Mac pizza!!!!! And so – I did it. I did it last night. After taking two heated spinning classes in 14 hours – I undid all that good – all that blood, sweat & those tears. Undid it and gave zero fucks. This fucking pizza is the best Goddamn thing on Earth. It will be difficult not to eat these every night this week – after all – I have like an infinity of my copycat special sauce. I can’t wash that gold down the drain – when my gullet is right here craving it – wanting to drink it – inhale it. So – sure – I have a birthday coming up & it might be nice to NOT be at my absolute FATTEST on that day – but shit happens. Sometimes things are out of your hands. Sometimes life presents tough choices. But – enough about that. Let me present – my Big Mac pizza!
Vegan Big Mac Pizza with Copycat McDonald’s Special Sauce
for the special sauce
3/4 cup vegan mayo
2 TBS sweet relish
2 TBS yellow mustard
2 TBS French dressing
1 tsp (or more) each: onion powder, garlic powder, paprika
for the Big Mac Pizza
Pizza dough (I used this HERE)
Vegan ground beef (I used Beyond Meat beefy crumbles)
Vegan cheese (I used some Parmela Creamery sharp cheddar, Chao original & some of my own homemade mozzarella)
Sandwich pickle slices
Onion – diced
Jalapeno – sliced (not in a real Big Mac but fuck it)
Semolina flour (optional) for rolling out the dough
Parchment paper (optional)
for the special sauce
Whisk the ingredients together & add a bit of water to thin it. Taste it & adjust at will. I added 2 more tsp of onion powder to mine.
for the Big Mac Pizza
Heat the oven to 450-500 degrees.
Roll out the dough (I do this in semolina flour because I find it adds to the crispiness of the crust – but regular flour is fine). Put the dough on a greased cooking sheet (I just use parchment paper – and I recommend it highly).
Top with cheeses & ground beef. Cook for about 10-12 minutes or until your crust is done. I added grated mozzarella at this point & cooked it another minute but only because the pizza looked a bit barren. You can just dump the meat & cheese on there – cheese under & over the beef.
Once the crust is done – top with the remaining toppings & get your fucking eat on!